So truthfully, why does he pull away?

Article updated 2018

Sometimes when a man pulls away, it’s because there was no actual emotional attraction in the first place.

When there isn’t enough attraction and connection in a dating situation, things will fizzle out – no matter how much we want to hold on.

In these situations, when a man pulls away, it means that we should let it go.

Usually, when the relationship was based on sex and perhaps, just convenience in the beginning – it’s a good sign that he’s pulling away forever.

But very often, men pulling away isn’t a bad thing.

See my comprehensive article on why men pull away and how to deal with it as a high value woman…. Click here.

Women just think it is – because they think they shouldn’t have this problem in a relationship.

Further still, they think having this problem is wrong.

It’s not.

Remember, men pull away for good reasons.

Men pull away for very good reasons. Because it’s what they need to do to be true to their natural rhythm and equilibrium in their masculine body.

When men become involved with a relationship and go deeper, it’s natural to have them pull away – even after marriage and many years together.

Time together or marriage doesn’t guarantee a man will do what is convenient for us and convenient for our feelings.

A man pulling away – It’s a continuous thing that will happen over a woman’s lifetime if she chooses to be with a man.

With trust built up over the years, he may pull away less and less. Especially when he hasn’t got important things asking for his attention.

And yet – men still withdraw – it is a part of our man and woman journey together.

Click here to learn how to stay high value when your man withdraws and pulls away…

Understanding why men withdraw after getting close to you.

But will you ever be able to trust ANY man to be more responsive?

Yes, of course!

And yet – he will still pull away, he will just be more responsive if he trusts you.

The way to get a man to be more responsive is:

1) For trust to be built between the two of you; and

2) For you to communicate your need and appreciation for him to be close and to respond to you as soon as he can – so that you can also trust him. The tricky thing is that sometimes trust has to exist between you before you can get a favourable response from him to your needs.

Generally, a man will stay close to a woman if there is a lot of attraction and connection.

A part of an unbreakable connection is building trust.

It’s hard for women to trust men.

It’s also hard for men to trust women.

We all have many conflicting wants and interests. The lack of trust is normal – until it’s built up.

We want to take their resources – time, attention, money, commitment. That naturally requires that he trust us in order to give those precious resources.

Remember though – even when there IS trust – pulling away is a normal and natural part of being a man.

But when you trust him and he trusts you – you will feel less scared when he pulls away and it will feel like he pulls away less – because you have trust in him.

The important reasons why guys pull away, especially in the early stages?

There are several reasons why men pull away.

One major reason is biological – because men who are born more identified with masculine energy don’t base their identity on ‘relationship’ with a woman.

Instead, they base their identity – not always deliberately – on risk taking, and their individual capabilities.

Risk taking is a necessary endeavour for a masculine species. It’s what they must do in order to stand out to females and be worthy of reproduction. Research has shown that much more so in boys, risk taking behaviour lights up pleasure centres in their brain.

This starts very young.

I may try to get my 18 months old son to not jump off a 2 metre high ledge – but he still tries nonetheless while my heart is screaming in fear. Not only does he have absolutely no sense of danger, he seems to welcome it.

Closeness with a woman is good for some time for a man – until he needs to get back to his body’s natural rhythm and equilibrium. After all, we all have a bodily need to return to our natural state.

This is why pulling away for most men is normal.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

Why does your boyfriend pulling away hurt so much?

Men pulling away hurts so much because we live in a feminine sphere where closeness is celebrated.

It hurts because we love them and closeness is our form of love.

But how often do we let ourselves surrender to the fact that it hurts because we love them?

And perhaps admit that to ourselves?

Often, we just get angry because he’s not present. We reject the part of ourselves that truly admires him and allows him to be a man so that we can have passion and desire him more.

Instead, our anger and resentment serves only to keep things safe (like they are in prison) and comfortable. Comfort isn’t good for a passionate relationship.

It’s good for boring relationships. (Which many people suffer from every single day.)

The danger comes when instead of acknowledging that we love them because that feels scary and weak – we use our anger to make them wrong, close off our love (pretend it didn’t affect us) and blame them for pulling away.

The damage of just reacting in anger or closing off

It’s dangerous because none of those things comes from the core of who we are. The core of us is authentic and feels the pain of him pulling away – it feels the loss and the anger and the hurt and the shock.

But not without the love.

We may feel anger and hurt and loss and shock – but a lot of women base their reactions only on these emotions and close off to the pleasure of their love and devotion for this man.

Let’s draw a comparison.

You know those annoying people who are chronic attention seekers?

Well, all feminine women deeply desire attention, and to be acknowledged and to have their deep radiance felt by men and women.

(Why does your boyfriend pulling away hurt so much? Click here and find out from this quiz.)

But chronic attention seekers are annoying to you – why?

Because they won’t allow the full spectrum of experience in their bodies.

They reject the true infinite radiance and beauty of themselves. They just can’t let themselves do that.

So they repetitively show up as people who want to ‘take’ from society.

Because they don’t surrender to the goddess that they already are.

So they become addicted to surface attention.

They want the attention of other people. it could be other women, it could be other women’s boyfriends or husbands.

In fact, better if it’s from an already ‘taken’ man – because the stakes are higher and that must mean she’s really irresistible if he’ll risk his woman’s happiness to give another woman attention.

They’re annoying because they don’t have honesty in expression.

But they don’t have honesty in expression because they won’t allow themselves to surrender to their true infinite capability in being feminine and radiant.

Because if she did do that – she’d still be exposed to younger, apparently more beautiful woman – and she’d have to be exposed to more pain…and so she resists and takes what she can before it becomes impossible to take anymore because she’s older.

Every woman has infinite radiance…

That’s right… every woman has infinite radiance.

But not every woman allows herself to be that – and so she stunts her value and annoys people with her ‘dabbling’ in feminine energy (attention seeking).

She doesn’t allow herself to be infinite and feel the full array of emotions. The true and real deeper cravings we have are often buried deeply in our bodies (vaginas, uterus, hearts).

It’s the same when we show up trying to ‘take’ from a man.

Instead of being honest, we just show anger – because we’re impulsive and like the thrill of being significant more than we value the true need for connection in our hearts.

This is one reason why men leave…

This is one reason why men leave. It’s essentially because we are repeatedly refusing to surrender to what’s true of our body and our heart (you can feel what’s in your heart by breathing deeply and getting away from your head).

If we are honest and sensitive – we know that we don’t only feel angry when a man pulls away.

We also love and care and surrender if we choose – to the emotions of emptiness and craving for HIM.

No man would truly want to leave a woman who can allow the full spectrum of feelings to happen without blaming him.

However, he would want to leave when we make wanting him wrong.

(And this type of internal conflict and emotional self sabotage is mean and unfair to yourself.)

It’s mean. It’s mean to deny our real wanting and our secret desire to trust him – those are the reasons why he would even be with a woman – unless he wants the ease and comfort of just a woman to exist in his house so he doesn’t have to be alone or look bad in front of family and friends being single so long.

Of course, men stay when they are truly trusted and wanted. Every woman intuitively knows this.

But not every woman prefers “outside-my-comfort-zone” passion to the comfort of self-inflicted suffering.

Guys leave when we make blame and anger the ONLY correct response…

Men also do want to leave when we make blaming him and getting angry the only right response to him pulling away.

But the blaming and the closing off to him to punish him – and the ‘revenge’ response where we say – ‘oh FINALLY you call’ when we does get in contact…those come from the masks we wear.

They are the sign we are dis-owning our natural essence as a woman and denying our natural craving for connection  with the person we love.

So what are the signs of him pulling away and not about to come back…

One of the biggest things women feel when a man pulls away is that he is taking her for granted.

Sometimes, that feeling has merit. Other times, we are just trying to avoid deeper emotions.

How do you know if a man is taking you for granted or not?

1) If you can feel that a man has regularly given you reason to trust him in the past (trust comes from your body/gut, not your head), then chances are, his pulling away is something that we need to respect and honour him for.

If a man has repeatedly broken your trust – then he probably is taking you for granted.

Only, that statement comes with a caveat – we can be quick to see where someone else is taking us for granted; but not quick enough to see where we are taking him for granted.

We can benefit from being sensitive to this caveat – otherwise we suffer in our tension filled pattern of thinking ‘he’s taking me for granted, I hate him!’.

After all, a lot of men feel taken for granted when women have problems with them withdrawing – ‘doesn’t she remember the beautiful moments we had just yesterday? Does she need me with her every second of the day?’

2) Has he given you reason to feel like he values you at all in the past? If so, then remember that even though you feel taken for granted…all women and men have to go through this period of change in their relationship if they are to stay together for the long term.

We often get too busy thinking he’s in the wrong for taking us for granted and forget to surrender to having problems and changes – that no woman is immune to in a relationship.

No woman is immune to men going quiet or pulling away.

From this place, we can then add new value in different ways to further enrich the relationship.

When he pulls away, should I do the same?

Related post: What to Do If He Takes You for Granted

And how to know when you should just give up on a man?

Good question.

I cannot give you a direct answer for this; as every person has different values.

My belief is that you do not ever give up on a man out of fear.

Leaving a man from fear is a weak and impulsive driver of our actions.

You give up on a man when you:

1) Don’t want to trust his masculine energy more than your own at all (because there’s no ecstasy in being with you for him – or for you)

2) You honestly can’t trust him. Trust means – trusting his capability to be in his masculine energy – trusting that he can take you in to consideration – and others in to consideration – when taking actions and making decisions.

If you genuinely admire a man and love a man and you know he loves you and does cherish you despite pulling away, then don’t give up.

Especially if you admire him.

If you admire a man – it’s a good sign that you should stay. And sometimes, pulling away is something to admire him for.

However, this is my belief.

Don’t forget that you have your own values and you have to make your own choices in life. I’m just some woman who cares.

Here are some other good reasons to leave your boyfriend:

1) You didn’t get together because you fell in love. Many people get together out of laziness and convenience. If you are sensitive and honest with yourself, and you know you got together out of convenience, then think about whether it serves your growth and your partner’s growth to still be together.

Still consider that you can make a relationship work with anyone.

But getting together out of convenience is a lie to your soul and to his. It’s essentially avoiding being with and respecting the deeper desires of yourself.

2) You got together just to get something for yourself out of it. Now – when we fall in love, we give naturally.

If you both wanted to take from each other blindly from the beginning – without caring about how you affected the other partner’s feelings and well-being – it’s a sign the relationship started badly and inauthentically.

If there was never a stage where you felt courageously able to dare to do anything for your partner – that spells trouble.

Sometimes, women get together with a man simply for ‘in-between’ avoidance of her loneliness. This is an insult to the better man for her. I believe in staying open until we meet a good one – not just an in-between one.

Life is too short and already too painful to suffer through ‘a good enough man’ to avoid feeling some kind of pain – a pain which serves us to know ourselves and our true wants even deeper – and asking for nothing less.

Our biggest mistake when guys pull away

One big mistake that hurts us the most when men pull away?

The mistake of thinking that it’s a problem WE shouldn’t have.

Anthony Robbins one said from the stage; “Your biggest problem is that you think you shouldn’t have problems”.

It applies very much in this situation.

Because we are talking about a relationship with a man. Which is naturally fraught with problems and differences.

Click here to know how to stay high value when when he pulls away

How to be smart and use the pain for good when he pulls away

The pain and fear our bodies feel when he pulls away is quite normal – we are built that way.

The pain we experience is normal.

But our anger and closing off to him is not natural.

It’s a pattern we choose to avoid feeling pain.

And if the first place we go is anger and defensiveness and closure of our bodies when he pulls away – we suffer.

But we suffer because the natural pain we feel when a man pulls away is there to remind us of our desire to connect – and connect a lot.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

Your heart always wants connection

We used to be surrounded by people. We lived in tribes, for goodness sake.

It is normal to crave connection – only, we are too quick to think that it’s only a man’s connection that we crave. It’s deeper and deeper connection with humans in general.

If we feel that desire to connect – suddenly, we are powerful – because we are not avoiding – and from this place we can make choices to connect with other women, pets, and all sorts of different women and groups who would light up our lives.

But when we resist the pain – we cause him and ourselves endless suffering because we are refusing to honour who we really are.

We don’t want to be authentic and feel our natural drive to be intertwined with another human being deeper and deeper and deeper – no matter what ‘stuff’ comes up. Because it’s too real.

Because our egos get in the way – our fears also get in the way.

Like almost anything – the natural pain is asking and calling to be felt – because it is trying to serve us – to call us to be who we really are. Not who we think we should be.

So work with the pain, feel it openly and find alternative solutions to filling yourself up with a variety of sources of connection.

What we need is never the constant presence of a man.

What we need is true and real connections with human beings and animals and with ourselves.

We start by not making ourselves and our pain wrong – and not making our men wrong for being men.

Do you want to know what’s keeping your man from committing to you? Find out from the Commitment Masterclass, click here and register to watch for free.

Also see my comprehensive article on why men pull away and how to deal with it as a high value woman…. Click here.

Click here to learn how to stay high value when your man withdraws and pulls away…

Can you tell us more about your experiences with a man pulling away? Your experiences help other women.


P.S. Please share more of your own experiences with men pulling away… because your experiences may just help and inspire other women.

P.P.S. Connect with me on social media

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ErosLoveSierraMarlowAndrosC.L. Parker Recent comment authors
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Hi, Renee.

A male model, 40 and shy, was interviewed about his ideal woman.
He said that he loves it when a woman can make him laugh, and when he realizes
a beautiful woman has no sense of humor, he is no longer attracted to her.

What does that tell you about him, in terms of energy and character? Thank you.


None of the articles – or the report about when men pull away – seem to address a man pulling away/refusing to talk or see you after an argument or altercation of some kind. Last week after sex which was really great, he wanted to stop for some reason I’m not sure of, and I got teary and upset. (Looked it up since and it was probably post-coital dysphoria) I was upset and confused and kept asking why he had wanted to stop and said I felt rejected… anyway after about half an hour of me spiralling, confused, he said,… Read more »


Your articles always leave me teary-eyed, Renee. They are full of brilliant and compassionate insights. You speak of being authentic, you speak of trusting in the infinite perfection of the universe to give back what we put in. You speak of having a pure open hearted connection and leaving our fears at the door. This article made me cry. And I think it’s because it rang so true. We all want to be admired and trusted. I feel like whenever a man fell in love with me, it was after he revealed something shameful to me and I just accepted… Read more »


If I could give one big piece of advice it would be when a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason. If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s. If it’s really bugging you, there’s an… Read more »

Ashara Dayne
Ashara Dayne

Why is this avoidant behavior being characterized all over the internet as ‘normal’? It is NOT. Read up on attachment theory to find the truth. 25% of men are like this, and being married to one is torture. Just dump em.


Hello, my fiancee give me a ring. We was looking at getting married nextyear. I came to a realization that I was a convenient around him. He was to controlling and wanted to have his way. When I begin to show him that I didn’t like the way he acted and flirted around other women online and in public. He begin to blame me of being to jealous and controlling. Well he broke up with me sad he was just going to find himself and be along. Come to find out he moved in some female he knew from high… Read more »


As a man I must say this is one of the best articles I have read on the issue of men pulling away. This was a very well written piece that all women MUST read. Thank you for tackling this very misunderstood issue.

Butterfly Queen
Butterfly Queen

Thank you for lending your perspective as a man and support of the article and the realities it outlined.

Sherry White
Sherry White

Found out a guy who I was secretly in love with for 9’years also had feelings for me. He reached out to me first and we connected immediately (even though We had been aquentinces) . Intense chemistry, he was telling me within weeks that he was falling for me, that he would go through his horrible divorce all over again of it meant being with me, how beautiful I am, how refreshing it is to have someone who gets his large family and who already knows them, included me in days with his daughter, we slept together 2x, he would… Read more »


As an older man, I’m not sure if I can explain what’s happening and how relationships have changed over the past 40 years or so. Young men, like my son and his friends, view relationships differently from their fathers and are in the process of changing the relationship landscape forever. In my day, marriage was assumed and divorce was rare. Today, divorce is assumed, along with alimony and marriage, is to be avoided at all costs. Your boyfriends might not be pulling away from you as much as they are pulling away from a society that views them as disposable… Read more »

Joanne Rae Meehan
Joanne Rae Meehan

good food for thought dave. my partner is 53 and divorced twice. so having his assetts split twice, and in second marriage time splitting with his son. i commend his bravery for taking the courage to still take the risk for seeking companionship with me. (who has also experienced both divorce once and child access splitting) we reassure each other that our assetts and finances are to remain our own, and up to self choices made for how much is shared towards gifts and/or meals etc neither of us want each other to be in our past experiences ever again,… Read more »


I think there is a difference between a natural pull away and an uncomfortable/bad pull away. But I also think that men who really care about you will not pull away very much. They may want a day or two alone (natural pull away) but they don’t fade out on you and give you bad vibes (uncomfortable/bad pull away). My experience has always been that the guys that wanted me the most never pulled away, no matter how close we got. My first real serious college boyfriend was always on the same page with me from beginning to end, we… Read more »


Hey RamboAmy, just wanted to reach out and say that sucks. You deserved better after 9 months together and had every right to be angry and upset. You seem really confident in your decision to now break things off. I hope you find someone who deserves you and treats you better soon! x

Matthew Coast
Matthew Coast

Good stuff… blaming a man for the relationship problems you’re experiencing is definitely the fastest way for a man to think that you’re not relationship material.


But when do men ever take responsibility for their actions? At some point you guys need to realize that you play an equal role in the deterioration of relationships. I always take responsibility for my actions so when do men admit, “Hey, I’m also to blame as well.” Society has taught me that their behavior is excusable. The focus is always on women learning to adjust and change her behavior and blaming women for men pulling away but its never the other way around. It’s sad that men are taught that a woman being concerned about a man disappearing means… Read more »

troubled girl
troubled girl

I don’t know if someone could give me an advice, or maybe i’ll be criticized but i need to tell someone my storry. It’s a bit large so i apologize but it’s because of how complicated things are. Three years ago i started working as a girl of “company” ( i don’t really like the other words that describe this job). On my sixth month i met Him. At first he was just one of my best clients. But we got to talk a lot and start knowing each other, so we fell in love. He says he fell in… Read more »

Christina Wilding
Christina Wilding

Would if children were involved??????÷!!! EVEN AS CLOSE FRIENDS FOR A COUPLE Of YEARS!!! Four children involved… mine, three his. My daughter and his daughter in same school and class. Last time I heard from him waS a text messge New Years Eve….told me he was still working. The guy is 47… sucks for me….but my child wants to know what happened to him….and wants to play with his daughter. Not only that…his daughter and my daughter taLk in class and tell each other they want to play.
Im baffled…hurt


ok, let him pull, i don’t need him anymore, neither him nor any other man. I don’t need the love of another person, my love for myself suffices me!!




If I could give one big piece of advice it would be when a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason. If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s. If it’s really bugging you, there’s an… Read more »


I remember when my husband and I moved in together, after about a month he pulled away for a bit. He wasn’t really rude about it but i think he just needed some space. I think he was just getting tired of me, like it was romance overload. I ended up burying myself in my own hobbies for a while and I think he ultimately appreciated me for giving him space. I think it’s hard in the moment but if the girl enjoys some time to pursue her own interests for a bit and waits for the man to resume… Read more »




When a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason. If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s. If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest… Read more »


Found this article through and glad I did now. Sooo helpful. Thanks!


Albeit having a few good points, like how a lot of people get together out of fear and convenience…This article is still a bunch of bull, full of stereotypical and narrow-minded statements, putting both genders in restrictive and unrealistic categories. For instance, what do you mean by masculine energy, and why do you only allow men to have it? What I see often is women taking on responsibilities like a boss, be it a family, a child, or their partner’s fears and pains, they don’t avoid it, and they are willing to go through the pain despite how much effort… Read more »

Jeannine Gallagher
Jeannine Gallagher

Thank you! I won’t chase a man ever!


Exactly! Also, can we all admit that pulling away really isn’t that normal in strong and solid relationships? Looking back, I realize that my best relationships did not involve a man pulling away from me. Maybe having a day or two to himself for alone time, sure, but pulling away and creating real emotional distant? No…it’s not normal and yes there is a problem…any time that happened to me, another woman was involved.


there’s a guy younger than me, very romantic, considerate, big heart, is looking for a girlfriend, he doesnt have alot of responsibility lives with his parents still. I hav kids and I want someone that is financially stable to take care of themselves first. I was honest and don’t want to get hurt or hurt him and if I get too close as friends I may want more. I told him maybey we shouldn’t talk and he didn’t understand what he did wrong. He hasn’t called me back. We work together, I want to be his friend, and since he… Read more »

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